Every year April brings me back to a trip to memory lane as the twins's birthday approaches...
Nostalgia sets in in which frozen memories bring me back to a warm feelings of fuzziness or cold feelings of anxiety, worry and The Unknown.
April 2007
Fuzzy feeling: Seeing my almost FULL grown size babies every 2 weeks on the Ultra-Sound screen.
Not so Fuzzy feeling: Being unable to walk with ease (too painful), brush my teeth (too gaggy) or sleep (debilitating insomnia).
May 2007
Fuzzy Feeling: Giving birth to perfectly healthy twin boys FINALLY.
Not so fuzzy feeling: The beginning of Mummy Guilt. Full force panic induced mummy guilt that I won't be good enough. I will never be good enough.
May 2008
Fuzzy Feeling: We made it though the first year!
Not so fuzzy feeling: Wait...Why is it getting harder?
May 2009
Fuzzy Feeling: The boys continue to continue to enjoy Life to the maximum; Laughing, playing, exploring, learning and trying new things.
Not so fuzzy feeling: I am now the mother who has "leashes" because of all this Enjoyment.
May 2010
Fuzzy Feeling: This year the boys's started talking much more, know their alphabet, their colors and shapes, have developed their own personalities and continue to Love Life.
Not so fuzzy feeling: This is the Scary Age. I told myself if their communication and behavioral challenges still took over 90% of our lives, I would have REAL cause to Worry. I am REALLY worried.
May 2011
Fuzzy Feeling: The boys are doing great in preschool, are running less, are talking more, are even starting to "read" during our nightly story hour.
Not so fuzzy Feeling: When will I stop comparing them to the others who are now able to discuss the devastating Tornado outbreaks in the Mid-West?
Today, April 6 2012
Fuzzy feelings: The boys are growing up to be sensitive, caring and smart little Men. Their thirst for knowledge and new experiences amaze me every day. They are still on the "Go" most of the time but are now able to slow down a little bit. Perhaps the most Important is I am now able to appreciate the "Little Things" and let go of the "Little Things" as well.
little Things I treasure...
Hearing I love you Mummy from the playroom downstairs while I am domestic engineering upstairs, re-living special holidays and occasions through the eyes of 2 perpetually amazed little Men and of course their daily art projects ,which honestly I usually have to guess what they are, given to me with such pride and Love. And their genuine interest in others; Either through their excitement at the prospect of a playdate or their empathy shown when a "friend" is hurt,sad or upset. It's all good.
Little Things I have let go...
The television is no longer viewed as an indicator of my worth as a Mother. It's on...A lot. So is the playdoh, the bicycles, reading time, board games and sock puppets. It's all good.
I have learned 2 things: I cannot control what goes in or out of my child. The fact they prefer gold fish crackers over lemon basil salmon is just fine. They also love fruits, veggies and spaguetti. Lots of spaguetti and garlic bread. All I can do is continue to offer, praise and reinforce good healthy habits which took me much longer than their 5 years to acquire. It's all good.
After almost 5 years on the Most Important Journey of my Life, Motherhood is finally starting to feel rewarding and fulfilling as opposed to anxiety provoking sprinkled with endless Mummy Guilt.
Mummy guilt is a bottomless pitt of self-doubt, criticism and judgment. Only when you take off, really take off, the blinders of worry and anxiety can you really experience your True Self as The Mother you want to be.
There are still good days and bad days, and Alway will be. And you know what?
It's all good.
Namaste xox
