...Sex is a basic need that all of us have. Unfortunately, moms live such a crazy life tat this very basic need often gets neglected. After a full day of sweeping up Cheerios, changing diapers, trucking back and forth to the soccr fieldd, scrubbing toilets, and tying to sqeeze back into your pregnancy jeans, the last thing you want to do is don a feathered negligee and do a little striptease for your husband" (p.63).
Not only is sex a basic need but is so important that when it is good, it becomes 10% of the relationship...And when is bad, becomes 90% of the relationship. Yet..There are days when the ONLY thing I want is SPACE. JUST "ME" SPACE. The problem is when there is too much "Me" Space between the two, the "Us" space becomes a thing of the past...Almost like a mirage in the desert: You see it...You like what you see...You crave it...But you just can't reach it.
"Not only do you need to have this pleasure in your life, but you also deserve it. A healthy sex life will enrich your mariage, your health, your life, and even yur mothering (a satisfied mommy is a happy mommy) (p.63).
Hmm....THAT wasn't in "What to expect when you are expecting", now was it?
Deserve....A forgotten word in Mommy Land...Most moms I know seem to feel so guilty for "deserving" anything...Some time off, some help around the house, some time with friends, a new pair of Manolo Blahniks (Hey! It could happen!) that the thought of mind blowing off the charts orgasm is simply off the list....Time for another list perhaps?
"...Unfortunately, it's not always easy for moms. We have three primary obstacles that stand in our way: Lack of opportnity, lack of drive, and lack of confidence. Work through these areas, and your sex-kitten days are back" (p.63).
Obstacle #1: Twin A. Obstacles #2: Twin B. Obstacle #3: Twin A&B together. When you both feel like failures as none of the parenting strategies are succesfull, both mom and dad lose their confidence which I believe makes it just that more dificult to unite in the bedroom...As clearly the percived parenting failures have damaged the Unity.
Lack of opportunity
"It was so much easier before the kids ame along. You didn't have to worry about barricading your door or muffling the screams of pleasure. But here you are with little ears, little eyes, and little bodies crawling through the house" (p.64).
Food for thought: I have often wondered what is the most damaging to a child: Hearing mom and dad scream during the oukydooky or hearing mom and dad scream at each other because there is no oukydouky...Thoughts?
Special times for intimacy
"Sex on the fly, Date night, turndown service, wake-up service: The important thing about finding opportunities for intmacy is to get your prioroties straight. Wathcing television or getting caught up with your scrapbooking may be easier, but it is not going to build a happy and healthy mariage. Seek moments through the day and night to be intimate with you husband" (p.65).
GULITY!
Evening routine has become tragic: Big Daddy lies down on the couch surfing the tv, and falls asleep, while mama is on her lap top Facebooking, TMZ'ing, MyFitnessPaling, finding out what-Britney-Lindsay-or-Paris are doing (Bring back the drama ladies!!)....Basically spending time with strangers...Like I said: Tragic. Sigh. Perhaps the most tragic? The thought of "surprising
my husband in a corner somewhere,commando, asking him to help me with "so and so" makes me laugh harder than a Jim Carrey did in Ace Ventura. The tutu-wearing-pych-patient-football-scene...Yep: Tragic it is.
Lack of Drive
"Even when we do have the opportunity, lack of drive is something that all moms struggle with at one time or another. It's perfectly normal...Phases come and go, but there are some effective ways to help the slump pass" (p.66).
"Focus...CLEAR your mind, Communicate...Let him KNOW, Break the Monotony....Sprinkle some spice; Be careful about revealing your sex fantasies to your husband. Some are certainly safe enough, such as new places and new positions. But test the waters before you bring out the bike chains or ask him to dress up like Colonel Sanders. He may think you have had a meltdown. And some fantasies are best kept to yourself (you don't want to get caught screaming, "Oh, Brad Pitt!" during an orgasm)" (p.67).
It could be worse...You could break out Ronald MacDonald's yellow jumpsuit or scream out loud "Angie!"...Just sayin'!
Total Mom Tip: Strip it down and sex it up!
"Indulging in your sex fantasies is a great way to spice up a boring bedroom. After the kids have gone to bed, don some of your sexiest lingerie under your clothes and do a striptease for your husband (music and everything). But make sure the bedroom is locked- walking in on a stripper mom could take years of therapy to get over!(67).
Fantasy....
Reality...
'Nuff said!
Lack of Confidence
"A mom's self-esteem is a precious thing indeed. One day you're strutting your hot little self along the path of life. You pause for a moment to have a baby, or two or seven. The next thing you know you have boobs that could catch a strong wind and fly away and pounds of postpartum flab hanging from your abs. Confidence is a difficult thing to muster when your body looks better under the sheets than on top of them. But before you turn down all the lights during lovemaking, there are a few secrets you should know...Secret #1:You care more than he does....Secret #2: It's all about attitude..." (p.69).
AMEN. Sure men like to look at Playboy but guess what? THEY know it is ALL paint brushed...WE are the ones who need a reality check! Can you imagine If we put as much energy into pleasure as opposed to worrying "Can he see my cellulite from this angle?"? WOW.
Look Good Naked
"If body image is a problem, there are some sneaky ways to look better..." (p.69).
"Sunless tanning lotion...Manis&Pedis...Tousled hair...Skin Shimmer...Makeup...Aroma...Hairy issue..." (p.69).
Fantasy...
Let's just go with the Fantasy...Reality Bites!
Besides there's a little J-LO in all of us mamas...Just be sure to exfoliate and wash your hands if you are going to use some self-tanner and be prepared for a little discomfort if you do decide to head to "Brazil"...!
"...Little steps like these will help you build up your confidence, and his responses will encourage you to take it a few steps further. Sex isn't always pretty, but it can always be beautiful. Get over your body image and start enjoying yourself. And do not neglect this very important part of your life" (p.71).
Week 2, Day 2: Daily exercises (p.71)
1. in your journal, make a list of everything you love about your husband. Try to look past the grudges you may be holding or the negative qualities he may have, and search out this traits thats first attracted you to him. By focusing on the positive, you can lay the groundwork for sensational sex.
2. Spice up your lovemaking by adding a creative touch here and there. Do a striptease for him, buy some sexy lingerie, step into the shower with him, or bring a bowl of sliced oranges to bed.
You can even surprise him by hiring a sitter and spending the night at the hotel.
3. Practice action Skill#3: Have Fun. Find one unavoidable task that you don't enjoy, such as washing the car or cleaning the bathrooms. Now think creatively and come up with a way you can make it fun and try it out. Perhaps you and the kids can play with he hose while all of you wash the car, or you can clean the bathroom while the child is in the tub so you can accomplish the task while you enjoy spending time with her. You can even apply this skill to your sex life if you are suffering through a particularly bad dry spell. Is there a fantasy you like to play out with your husband? Go ahead-practice some boldness and try it out.
Namaste xox
P.S. In case you feel down for being in a slump...Remember it can even happen to Samantha Jones. Really.
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