After a 4 year hiatus, I decided over the week-end to rejoin my Bikram Yoga practice. The exhilarating poses, the purifying sweat and the complete serenity that follows have been on my mind for a while and I felt ready to start New.
Yoga pants? Check
Yoga top? Check
Nervousness, anxiety, apprehension and pure excitement? Check. Check. Check.
Bikram Yoga class? Nada.
The studio was closed...Convinced that maybe the teacher was late I waited. Waited and Waited. In the rain. And then I left.
30 minutes of waiting can ravage the mind. Especially my mind who was disapointed and angry that the Studio was closed.
And so the storm that became my mind in overdrive berated, insulted and discouraged my entire being.
Argh...I am huge. Argh...I didn't lose the 50 pounds I wanted to lose for the wedding...Argh...I can't even get the Yoga schedule right...Argh...I don't do enough at home...Argh...There has to be something I am not doing or overdoing that the boys are talking as much as they should...Argh...I miss Montreal...Argh...Why can't I just feel normal?
What is Normal?
For me normal is listening to the ego that boils in my mind and sabotages myself. Normal is stuffing down the pain and the suffering with...A brownie.
And that is what I did.
After my ego punished me enough I went straight to the store and bough a brownie mix. Came home, baked it and ate.
The Good news is that I only ate one. Ok two. Seriously, two.
The bad news is that I still listen to the ego which tricks me into believing it.
However this morning, I was reunited with my Old Friend, Gilad.
Gilad, who kept me company when I would come home from school and got me in great shape. Gilad who always said "Good job!", "I am proud of you!" and "See you tomorrow!". Stability, encouragement and support.
And so I listened this morning.
Between the tricep extensions and the butt squats, I believed him and not the ego trying to discourage me by comparing my body to anyone else's.
So I had a brownie. Fine.
I also believe Gilad when he says I will be back tomorrow.
Because I might not believe in myself 100% yet but I believe in old friends.