An Iceberg, An Angel & a cupcake at the Coffee Shop

Date: June 23, 2010
Time: 11:30
Location: Barnes and Noble, South Burlington, Vt
Mood: Exasperated

As soon as we entered the store yesterday,the boys began tantruming over letters displayed (Wanted them NOW), Going up the escalator (Wanted to go Now)and finally screeched and whaled so loud (followed by a wonderfull flop)time seemd to just Stop. Eyes looking at me, uncomfortable stares and pity by some, the horror and the fear started spreading across the store just like the scene of Titanic when they finally realize "Iceberg ahead!".
Only I was the Iceberg.
In the next 3 minutes people I will probably never see again saw only the tip of the Iceberg, a meltdown including tears, rage and an exit...by Me.

There is probaly now a security video of me dragging the boys (with Logan losing his pants...around his ankles" saying things like "You want to act like banchees, fine we are leaving" (Just compared my children to non humans), "You never give me a break, never ever jus give me a break" (All or nothing thinking...what about their afternoon nap?), "You think you have it hard now, wait till you grow up and see how crappy life is" (So much for living in the NOW and raising confident individuals who will see the glass as half full" and the tears.Oh the tears that just didn't stop flowing down my cheeks.

Decided to sit down with them on the sidewalk to take a deep breath. Feel my body and just try to see the bigger picture. Crying (boys and mine) stops. Then walks in an Angel. "Oh You boys are giving this mommy a hard time! I had twin brothers and my mom had many many of these days sweetie". The silver haired Vera Bradley wallet Angel crouches down and continues to softly reassure me and the boys. Just by being there. By taking a couple of minutes to be present with me. No more rage. No more exasparation saying things like "It is so hard", "I look like a horrible mother", " I can't cope" she looks at me and says "Oh Honey we all feel like that". Yes we do. Some more than others but yes we do.

Like the tip of the Iceberg, when a mom loses her patience (and yes looks like she is bat shit crazy) we only see the burned out exausted part of her. The small pointy cold part of her sticking out of the ocean that is Moherhood.

Underneath the meltdown is a mom who lacks sleep and a little help. A mom who plays, reads, cuddles, bathes, feeds, stimulates and encouages her childen. There is so much more to me as a mom just like the tip of an Iceberg to the naked eye.

Once calm, I said "We are going to go sit and eat boys". They did. We did. We even laughed and smiled a little.

Then the cupcake. Decided I deserved one. After such a difficult day I simply deserved to treat myself. Before I order the magic that is called "Red Velvet" I ask myself one question :"Am I hungry for a cupcake or hungry for a break?". Hungry for a break. Not a cupcake.Didn't eat the cupcake. Instead,I took the boys upstairs to the train table and did just that. While they wee choo-chooing with Thomas, I read. I sat down and gave myself a break.

Not eating the cupcake wasn't the big moment. Not eating the cupcake because I was NOT hungry was.

Not a red velvet magical experience but a very magical moment indeed.

xox

War and Peace

I think I might have the answer as to why we live in a world where countries and religions are unable to make peace with each other.
I am living in a world where the biggest enviromental catastrophe can't seem to get fixed because the Left and the Right are too busy arguing over who is doing what and not doing instead of Just DOING.

It's just easier.

It is easier to judge than to accept.
It is easier to hate than to love.
It is easier to reject than to embrace.
It is easier to loathe than to care.
It is just easier.

Like Ourselves.
Like our Bodies.

How can we expect peace in the world when we can't even make peace with ourselves?

7 continents in the world. 7 beautifull and unique parts of the world.
With over 70% of it divided by water. Free flowing water.

If my body had a map this is what it would look like.

1. My mind is like the water. Whatever my thoughts and beliefs are, it is either smooth sailing or a tsunami. Whatever the state of my mind, my body will follow it's lead.

2. My eyes act like they are in charge but they are not considering I can only see what I want or am able to see. Half the time I miss the Real Picture. Kinda like North America when we claim to know what is best.

3. My ears are either wide open or closed off depending on the state of he water tide. I can choose to listen, really listen or pretend there is silence. Like how my African sisters are subjected to emotional and physical torture because nobody is listening.

4. My mouth. My mouth can be both sweet or spitefull. Again depending on the water tide, it can be loving or hatefull. And mine is loud. Like my Italian sisters who are so full of life they could wake up a Bear in the middle of hibernation.

5. My heart. My heart is full of stories, memories and so many feelings. Sometimes my heart is open, sometimes it is closed. Others will be subjected to what my heart feels as my mind and my mouth are directly realted to my heart. Like when the beauty of the Rainforest is in jeapordy because greed and power take over respect and tenderness.

6. My stomach. Either full or empty. Either a physical hunger or an emotional one. My stomach is directly related to my heart and my mind. During an emotional binge, I choose to shut off my heart and not listen to my mind. I find myself so far away from he rest of my body like Australia seems so distant from the rest of the world. Yet so close.

7. My legs. I can choose to move forward, step backwards or freeze. Like my Asian sisters who fight for gender equality and are either embraced to move forward or stopped for wanting to move forward.

8. My ego. Like Antartica can be so cold and freezing no wonder it is perhaps the loneliness part of myself.

Maybe all we need to do is look within ourselves to figure out how we can love, accept and move forward.

Breaking free from dieting and compulsive eating is just like ending Wars.

Cease fire. Stop. Listen.

xox

Eating when Hungy...Body vs Heart.

I have been trying and trying and failing and failing to lose the extra 40 (maybe even 50)pounds I have been uncomfortably lugging around my body for the past 3 years. I gained 90 pounds (ok you can close your mouth now) during the twin pregnancy and lost 70 almost immediatly.

Right now you are doing the math and wondering if I missed something in HS?

I had been on WW successfully for almost 2 years when I got pregnant with the boys. But I still wasnt at my goal weight. The magic 140 number.

Why 140?

140 is when I was graduating high school. I had lost 30 pounds after exercising and dieting religiously. I even died my hair blonde to celebrate. Made my father real proud. Was too busy figthing with mom to notice if she was proud or not.

People noticed me. Everyone noticed me. My Grandmother was so thrilled that I was getting thin, I dont think I had seen her this happy in years when we met at the local mall.

The year was 1992 and would forever be stuck in my heart, my head and my body. This is the year my life would never be the same.

The year my dad left. The year my grandfather died.The year the infamous boyfriend and I broke up. The year I changed schools. The year I made new friends. The year I was lost. The year I got stuck. The year I made a friend who never judged, abandoned or rejected me. The year I discoveed food.

1992 was such a powerfull year that certain places, people, smells and sounds transport me back to this time of confusion and pain.

So strong that I have avoided people, places, smells and sounds to avoid hopping on the 1992 rollercoaster ride.

Yet still the magic number of 140 is so seductive rather than torturous as the year was.

I need to go back. Go back in time and figure out how to get the hell of the 1992 ride so I can finally hop on the NOW ride...

One ticket for NOW please.

xox

Eating, praying and loving...Are we there yet?

Not quite.

But I have started a New Journey in the last couple of days.

A journey in which I catch myself drifting away in the past or anxiously awaiting what lies ahead and ground myself to the present.

This is what is looks like:

Me pushing the boys on the swings at the park this morning. My body is present, arms pushing and feet firmly planted on the ground.

But my Mind...Way way out there.

"Why did I say that?" "I hope I can do this by this time" "Argh my arms are wobbling" "Still havent lost my 40 pounds, I suck"...

When I am finally able to shut my thoughts off "QUIETTTT!", take a deep breath or two and open my eyes I don't see my wobbly arms anymore. Am not ashamed of my body or paranoid about what I have said or done in the past.
I am right here pushing the boys who are laughing, pointing to the birds on the tree branch, and trying to sing "Frere Jaques" quith me.

Right here. Right now. The sky, the air, the sun, the clouds, the birds, the giggles, my breath. This is Life.

No what if's. No Bullshit. No excuses. Just Life.

So I may not be there yet but I am one step forward.

And that is what Life is all about. Moving ahead. Being Free. From the past and the future. Just being here. Now.

xoxx

Eat, Pray, Love 30 day challenge

Good Morning,

Ok. I have been in a funk for the past week or so.
Focusing on what I don't have.
Complaining about what I can't have.
Whinning aout what I don't want.

The truth is not being who I really want to be is much more comfortable than shedding the barriers that prevent me from becoming the Real Me.

Just finished reading "When Food is Love" and " Women, Food and God" by Geneen Roth. She talks about how our mind conditions us to believe all these stories from the past. Past hurts, Past disapointments, past events who have nothing to do with who we are anymore.

I am no longer the little girl who is scared.
I am no longer the teenager who is lost.
I am no longer the young woman who confuses love with co-dependancy.
I am no longer the new mom who is so scared of not being a good mom she burns herself out 24/7 to make sure she is perfect.
I am no longer someone who contrary to what people might think, doesnt say what she REALLY FEELS AND RESPECTS HERSELF.

I am a mother who loves her children and is not perfect. And that is okay.
I am a woman who wants to grow and let go of the pain so I can experience all I can experience with my children and my husband.

Without the blinders.

Maybe a a floppy hat and some sunscreen just in case ;)

xox

Special Educator vs Mommy

Name: Elissa Sorrentino
Occupation: Autism Interventionist
Strengths: Creative, Flexible, Attentive, Caring, Prepared, Organized, Motivated, Energetic and Queen Of bubbles.

Weeknesses: Transparent during Bullshit IEP meetings where professionals who can't be in a room for more than 5 minutes with a client claim to know what they are talking about and what is best for the client and his family.

Professional Goal: To create a camp for special needs in Vermont where families can get a break during week-ends, vacations and summer and for clients to have fun while maintaining and possibly learn new skills.

Name: Elissa Sorrentino
Occupation: Domestic Engineer

Strenghts: Every day my boys are fed, bathed, read to, played with, sung to and LOVED.

Weeknesses: Screams, cries and tantrums at the drop of a hat (me..not the boys!)suffers from "why me" syndrome aka feeling sorry for myself, gets discouraged by 10 am and finds herself saying "NO!" much more than saying "Good job!"

Personal Goal: To raise healthy, smart and confident boys who will KNOW they can do everything they can put their minds to.

Once upon a time in a land far far away...

I was the Interventionist who not only handled some of the most difficult clients but LOVED them for WHO they were. ALways.
Bitting? Re-direction. Flopping? Ignoring. Non-Compliance? Adapt and create to encourage complicance.
Sometimes I wouldn't eat lunch during my day as nobody could cover me. Sometimes I would work in a closet with a student (FYI that is what "Integration" looks like unfortunetly...Student and teacher are confined to a "work room" the size of a closet all day) and didn't know when I would next pee, get a drink or some air.
Nevertheless I was motivated, cheerfull and oh so bright eyed and bushy tailed...

Now I am a mom. Of Twin Boys. Who seem hyper active and have a delay in language.

No closet. Bathroom available (most of the time unless a crisis unfolds aka Twin Rumble). Drink and Food? Yes, sometimes in the form of a sippy cup or crumbs.
And yet, I am more burned out than ever. Feel guilty and "not good enough" at times and so so isolated.
Instead of consistently modeling language and behaviors I sometimes find myself yelling, throwing things and the worst...

Thinking What the hell was I thinking?

No books, no advice, nothing prepares you for motherhood. NOTHING. I was asked by someone recently "Is it really that hard to have kids these days?"

There is no simple answer for a question like that.

But here is a hint: When a mom feels comfotable enough to talk about how difficult she thinks it is, don't ask her that question.

Just listen to her. Like I try to do with fellow moms who struggle everyday.

In fact, the ability to listen in a non-judgemental way is a gift I have received from Motherhood.

Thank you Lukas & Logan for preparing me to become an even better Special educator who will listen. Just listen.

Listen without Judging.

Try it, you might like it.

What NOT to expect when expecting: The Speech issue

1. You will never expect yourself comparing your child to every other child who can use words, say please and thank you without experiencing a tantrum from hell.

2. You will want to run over to that happy proud mommy whose child is half the age of yours using 6 word sentences and drop kick her. Twice. Maybe 3 times. Ok Ok I am pushing it.

3. You will try every approach there is just to find a miracle. Including piercing a fish oil capsule and sqeezing it in your poor child's sippy cup first thing in the morning. GAG. Not to mention smelly.

4. You will find yourself busting out doing the Moonwalk when your child says annything. Including shit and no way. Some will call this reinforcing bad behavior...You see it as reinforcing verbal behavior NOT bad behavior including hitting, bitting and screaching.

5. Every day is "The Day". You are like the scruffy man at the corner store buying his lottery tickets every day. Today is it. I can feel it. My child will talk, talk, talk.

6. Every morning when you wake up, no matter how difficult and disapointing the previous day has been, you are happy to see your child. When he looks in your eyes and says "Good Morning", even though this might be the only thing he says all day, the world stops and you fall in love with him all over again.

Top 5 things NOT to say to say to a mom of hyper active speech delayed twin boys...

1. Talk about how much your child can discuss with you the weather, what not to wear and the oil spill...and the child is only 1 and a half.

2. Say "Be happy they can't talk yet! Mine won't shut up!" I think you are under the impression my child is a mute. Correction: My child screams, whales and tantrums when he is thirsty, hungry, tired, cold, hot, scared or sad. Here's an example. Lukas was put to bed after his bath, brush teeth, book routine. He started whaling and banging on the door. Decided to let him cry as "clearly" he just didnt want to go to bed. One hour later, opened the door as his cries were still heartwrenching...Find him on the floor, pants and diaper off only able to say "Maman Caca" now that he can see me. In this case I would have gladly taken a detailed description of his bowels. My heart was BROKEN.

3. Tell me about how your friend's sister's cousin's ex-boyfriend's twins didn't talk until they were 5. Are you trying to slowly kill me?

4. Immediatly look more agitated and alarmed than I am (which is quite stressed I admit) and tell me about how Autism is on the rise...Are you tring to slowly kill me?

5. Forget that I am not only a mom of twins but also of hyper active boys who bolt on me, constantly bicker with each other (bitting and scratching included)and who could give King Kong and Godzilla a run for their money. So if I seem to be angry, overwhelmed, pissed off, depressed and discouraged, it is not an illusion. I am. There is a reason infancy and babyhood are only to last 2 years...Take that x2.