Becoming a mother is the most humbling experience one will ever go through. Half the time you have no idea what you are doing and the other half you question what you were doing to begin with!
For me, anothe source of guilt and anxiety is how my boys will percive me as they grow up...
During the boys's first year; I was the milk provider at first, the formula maker later,the burper, the diaper changer, the comforter,the fart extractor, the "OMG is she really making those faces again while singing off key" performer...
Then I became the puree expert (I could whip a 5 course meal in the blender in 5 secs!), the teeth checker and pain reliever, the coach (walk!walk!walk! YAY!!!), the reinforcer (Good job pointing to the duck! Yay!), the disiplinarian (no hitting! Give a hig five!), the punisher (I SAID NO HITTING!!! TIME-OUT!), the Sucker ("to be fair he is hitting cause he didnt sleep last night..again...)and the teacher (A,B,C,D,E,f,G,....1,2,3,...).
Of course all these were executed while being the nurturer and the caregiver.
Now that they are getting older, I find myself faced with the most difficult role yet...The Role Model.
They look at me all day while I am eating, working on homework, playing and exchanging social interactions with other adults...YEP...I am screwed.
I eat fast at the dinner table, I talk loud, express my opinions in a not so plished manner at times and either piss people off or worst hurt their feelings, I yell at their father and boss him around and the worst? I fight with my mom...their beloved grandmother who they adore.
Why is it that we feel the need to be the perfect role model to our kids all the time? And when we dont (which is 75% of the time) we punish ourselves with guilt?
Aren't we also tryring to teach our kids that everyone is unique, allowed to make mistakes and try again?
Shouldn't we be happy with ourselves that we are able to teach reali life lessons to our kids when we mess up?
"Mommy shouldnt have yelled like that and should have used her words", "Mommy wasnt being very nice to Daddy this morning...again...what could she have done instead?" "Mommy is entitled to her opinions but she shouldnt dicdate others...she can agree to disagree..."
I think as mothers we constantly maginify our mistakes and short comings and fear the kids will somehow pick up on these deficiencies and be damaged by them.
I know I am not the perfect role model for the boys. I know I make mistakes everyday. But isnt that the perfect role model afterall? Someone who stumbles and sometimes falls on her face but..gets back up ready to make it better.
My next role?
The forgiver...to myself when I am not The Perfect Role Model...
E
DomesticEngineer2twins...One day at a time.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
A letter for my sons...
Dear L&L,
I have been reading my posts and what struck me was my complainning and whinning in regards to living with you...
Yes you are rambuctious, spirited and wild little buggers...However,You are the Light of my Life...
Your laugh, your kisses, your giggles and your hugs are everyday gifts that I will cherish forever.
Your curiousity and determination are qualities I hope you keep as you grow into young men entering the scary real world...(Even though know these qualities give me the crazies and..oups...sorry no complainning!!!)
And your smiles...
whatever I am feeling is swept away by your beautifull smile and fills me with such happiness and gratitude...
I love you both,
Maman xox
I have been reading my posts and what struck me was my complainning and whinning in regards to living with you...
Yes you are rambuctious, spirited and wild little buggers...However,You are the Light of my Life...
Your laugh, your kisses, your giggles and your hugs are everyday gifts that I will cherish forever.
Your curiousity and determination are qualities I hope you keep as you grow into young men entering the scary real world...(Even though know these qualities give me the crazies and..oups...sorry no complainning!!!)
And your smiles...
whatever I am feeling is swept away by your beautifull smile and fills me with such happiness and gratitude...
I love you both,
Maman xox
Friday, September 25, 2009
Confessions of a new mom...
Date: 9/24/09
Time: 9:48 a.m.
Location: Community playgroup
Setting...
While our kids were running, chasing and sometimes hitting each other (!)I met another mom with whom I connected immediatly. She was attentive to her child, funny and actively engaged with other kids. Our discussion progressed from her fascination to the twins to how socially isolating living in Central Vermont can be. Taking our convesation in another direction, this mom felt the need to get personal. She quickly became nervous and unable to look me in the eyes.She admitted to feeling guilty about letting her child doing what she was about to tell me. She told me how some moms scorned her for letting her child engage in this detrimental activity. Then she did it. She confessed.
She lets her kid watch tv...for 2 hours a day.
This woman whose son seemed completely well adjusted and whom she hugged and kissed every 10 minutes or so was standing in front of me falling apart because she lets her son watch TV.
Wow.
It's like I was standing in the mirror and I was fianlly able to see first hand what useless guilt looks like.
I am that woman. Sometimes.
So why are we so concerned about TV? Click on the link below to find out.
Note: As you read this, imagine yourself as an unsure, overwhelmed and exhausted new mom.
http://kidshealth.org/parent/positive/family/tv_affects_child.html
Feeling guilty?
The TV became such a fear in my house that when the kids were around 6 months old I had my husband bring in downstairs in the basement. From this time on, music, singing, banging on pans and reading became the norm in my house.
The problem is not that were TV free. The problem is that I did not choose it. I was pushed through fear and guilt that I was scaring my children for life...by letting them watch Sesame Street.
Now, as a child of the eighties, the boob tube is quite familiar. Big Bird, cookie Monster, Mr.Roger's, the friendly giant, Mr.Dress-Up and Passe-Partout were not part of my day growing up as a child, they felt like family.
Is it so bad that I learned how to draw with Mr.Dress-up? That I learned how to share cookies from watching Cookie Monster? And that Mr.Roger's made me feel safe and special during a whole 30 minutes?
No.
Is it bad to make new moms feel neglectfull and abusive when furry monsters ligthen up their children's lives?
Yes.
Let's lighten up!
I have and this family now inludes Sid the science guy, Curious George and World girl.
And I wouldn't have it any other way...neither would my kids!
Gotta go...Twin A wants me to tead him a book and Twin B is banging on his drum so loudly I can hardly hear myself think. What a relief!
E
Time: 9:48 a.m.
Location: Community playgroup
Setting...
While our kids were running, chasing and sometimes hitting each other (!)I met another mom with whom I connected immediatly. She was attentive to her child, funny and actively engaged with other kids. Our discussion progressed from her fascination to the twins to how socially isolating living in Central Vermont can be. Taking our convesation in another direction, this mom felt the need to get personal. She quickly became nervous and unable to look me in the eyes.She admitted to feeling guilty about letting her child doing what she was about to tell me. She told me how some moms scorned her for letting her child engage in this detrimental activity. Then she did it. She confessed.
She lets her kid watch tv...for 2 hours a day.
This woman whose son seemed completely well adjusted and whom she hugged and kissed every 10 minutes or so was standing in front of me falling apart because she lets her son watch TV.
Wow.
It's like I was standing in the mirror and I was fianlly able to see first hand what useless guilt looks like.
I am that woman. Sometimes.
So why are we so concerned about TV? Click on the link below to find out.
Note: As you read this, imagine yourself as an unsure, overwhelmed and exhausted new mom.
http://kidshealth.org/parent/positive/family/tv_affects_child.html
Feeling guilty?
The TV became such a fear in my house that when the kids were around 6 months old I had my husband bring in downstairs in the basement. From this time on, music, singing, banging on pans and reading became the norm in my house.
The problem is not that were TV free. The problem is that I did not choose it. I was pushed through fear and guilt that I was scaring my children for life...by letting them watch Sesame Street.
Now, as a child of the eighties, the boob tube is quite familiar. Big Bird, cookie Monster, Mr.Roger's, the friendly giant, Mr.Dress-Up and Passe-Partout were not part of my day growing up as a child, they felt like family.
Is it so bad that I learned how to draw with Mr.Dress-up? That I learned how to share cookies from watching Cookie Monster? And that Mr.Roger's made me feel safe and special during a whole 30 minutes?
No.
Is it bad to make new moms feel neglectfull and abusive when furry monsters ligthen up their children's lives?
Yes.
Let's lighten up!
I have and this family now inludes Sid the science guy, Curious George and World girl.
And I wouldn't have it any other way...neither would my kids!
Gotta go...Twin A wants me to tead him a book and Twin B is banging on his drum so loudly I can hardly hear myself think. What a relief!
E
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Top 5 stupid questions/Comments
1. "Are they natural?"
No,they are fake and we are etremely disapointed cause they don't come with batteries.
2. "Where they born at the same time?"
Yes they were! I forgot to mention I am the proud owner of the biggest vagina in the world!
3. "I don't know how you do it! So how do you do it?"
Well I put one twin on a shelf and take care of the other and then I rotate.
4. " Are they really that different?"
No. They are completely the same. ALWAYS.
5. "I know exactly what you are going through! I have 2 kids!"
Nope you don't. Only a mom of twins masters carrying 2 babies at once, delivering 2 babies on the same day, mastering the double football hold while breastfeeding and figuring out how to carry 2 car seats and successfully walking the twins up a long flight of stairs or back to the car during tantrums.But thanks for trying to understand!
E
No,they are fake and we are etremely disapointed cause they don't come with batteries.
2. "Where they born at the same time?"
Yes they were! I forgot to mention I am the proud owner of the biggest vagina in the world!
3. "I don't know how you do it! So how do you do it?"
Well I put one twin on a shelf and take care of the other and then I rotate.
4. " Are they really that different?"
No. They are completely the same. ALWAYS.
5. "I know exactly what you are going through! I have 2 kids!"
Nope you don't. Only a mom of twins masters carrying 2 babies at once, delivering 2 babies on the same day, mastering the double football hold while breastfeeding and figuring out how to carry 2 car seats and successfully walking the twins up a long flight of stairs or back to the car during tantrums.But thanks for trying to understand!
E
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Life with twins-Part 2
As I sit hear trying to remember the most memorable times of my pregnancy I am struck by; Morning sickness all day everyday until the twins arrival, anxiety constantly rummaging my brain, devastating insomnia and waiting...Waiting to meet these two little miracles that will someday call me...Maman.
The Sickness...
Morning sickness and general discomfort ravaged my body for 33 weeks. From week 6 to week 39. Every day simple things like morning warm showers, brushing my teeth, driving and walking into a school cafeteria made my life a living hell. You read that right...HELL.
So like any woman I adapted...
I took luke warm showers only at night so I wouldn't have to throw up on the bathroom floor, I substituted my toothbrush for a washcloth, I only drove to and from work with the window open even in -30 degree weather and munched on saltines behind the wheel and I avoided the school cafeteria, restaurants, coffee shops or any place that had a spicy, sweet or coffee smell. If you can't drive annywhere, eat annywhere or drink annywhere, isolation slowly creeps in to finally take over your life. My days, evenings and week-ends consisted of dragging myself to and from work and trying to make myself feel human...One salt and Vinegar chip at a time. (Funny how THOSE don't become an aversive,huh?)
Crippling anxiety
Like any other North American pregnant woman I armed myself with the pregnant woman's Kit. What to expect while you are expecting? How to have a healthy twin pregnancy? (post ultrasound)Check. Popular Baby names? Check. Pottery Barn Baby catalogue? Check. Pregnancy Journal? Baby stroller catalogue? First Cute Onesie? Check Check Check.
What this kit did not prepare me for was always worrying about how the babies were doing inside me, why sometimes I felt so much movement and other times nothing and the exruciating fear that something would go wrong. If you have ever picked up the pregnant woman's bible (aka What to expect?)Details of about everything that could go wrong bombard you.Unheard syndromes, terrifying diseases and the dreadfull monster SIDS. Having experienced a miscariage already I not only thought I wasnt safe from possible harm I knew it could happen...So much for reassuring the pregnant woman!
Insomnia
This very unwelcomed visitor knocked on my door around my 18th week of pregnancy and finally was kicked out by my BFF Ambian when the boys were about 18 months old. I hate that son of a bitch so much I won't write much about him. WHat I will say is find a doctor who will LISTEN and take something for it. Non aversive meds are available for pregnant women and breastfeeding mommies.Insomnia is a serious problem with serious side effects...Don't suffer like I did.
Waiting
Sound like I survived Hell? I did. BUT however difficult my days were, how much I hated being pregnant (there I said it!) I was always amazed at how excited and gratefull I was when another week passed. Week 8; The baby is the size of a rasberry! Week 12; We can hear the heartbeat! Week 17; The ultrasound! Week 21; I have 2 small bananas in me! (I still can't believe I have 2 bananas!!!) Week 28; I could give birth to the twins and they would be viable, Week 34; Any day now....Week 35; Any day now...Week 36; Where are they? Week 37; This is getting ridiculous...Week 38; Seriously??? Seriously??? Week 39; Hi doc...See this spot under my belly???CUT ON THE DOTTED LINE!!!
He did.It was his line but he did it! They arrived on May 18, 2007.
Finally my precious boys were here...All 8 and 7 pounds of healthy babies.
Mine and Dan's to love, cherish and protect.
For the next 72 hours I will be drowned in pure bliss. Feeling so incredibly high and content I felt like I was walking on Cloud 9.I will always cherish my 72 hour bliss in which I felt confident and sure of myself as a mother...At least I got 72 hours under my belt...
E
The Sickness...
Morning sickness and general discomfort ravaged my body for 33 weeks. From week 6 to week 39. Every day simple things like morning warm showers, brushing my teeth, driving and walking into a school cafeteria made my life a living hell. You read that right...HELL.
So like any woman I adapted...
I took luke warm showers only at night so I wouldn't have to throw up on the bathroom floor, I substituted my toothbrush for a washcloth, I only drove to and from work with the window open even in -30 degree weather and munched on saltines behind the wheel and I avoided the school cafeteria, restaurants, coffee shops or any place that had a spicy, sweet or coffee smell. If you can't drive annywhere, eat annywhere or drink annywhere, isolation slowly creeps in to finally take over your life. My days, evenings and week-ends consisted of dragging myself to and from work and trying to make myself feel human...One salt and Vinegar chip at a time. (Funny how THOSE don't become an aversive,huh?)
Crippling anxiety
Like any other North American pregnant woman I armed myself with the pregnant woman's Kit. What to expect while you are expecting? How to have a healthy twin pregnancy? (post ultrasound)Check. Popular Baby names? Check. Pottery Barn Baby catalogue? Check. Pregnancy Journal? Baby stroller catalogue? First Cute Onesie? Check Check Check.
What this kit did not prepare me for was always worrying about how the babies were doing inside me, why sometimes I felt so much movement and other times nothing and the exruciating fear that something would go wrong. If you have ever picked up the pregnant woman's bible (aka What to expect?)Details of about everything that could go wrong bombard you.Unheard syndromes, terrifying diseases and the dreadfull monster SIDS. Having experienced a miscariage already I not only thought I wasnt safe from possible harm I knew it could happen...So much for reassuring the pregnant woman!
Insomnia
This very unwelcomed visitor knocked on my door around my 18th week of pregnancy and finally was kicked out by my BFF Ambian when the boys were about 18 months old. I hate that son of a bitch so much I won't write much about him. WHat I will say is find a doctor who will LISTEN and take something for it. Non aversive meds are available for pregnant women and breastfeeding mommies.Insomnia is a serious problem with serious side effects...Don't suffer like I did.
Waiting
Sound like I survived Hell? I did. BUT however difficult my days were, how much I hated being pregnant (there I said it!) I was always amazed at how excited and gratefull I was when another week passed. Week 8; The baby is the size of a rasberry! Week 12; We can hear the heartbeat! Week 17; The ultrasound! Week 21; I have 2 small bananas in me! (I still can't believe I have 2 bananas!!!) Week 28; I could give birth to the twins and they would be viable, Week 34; Any day now....Week 35; Any day now...Week 36; Where are they? Week 37; This is getting ridiculous...Week 38; Seriously??? Seriously??? Week 39; Hi doc...See this spot under my belly???CUT ON THE DOTTED LINE!!!
He did.It was his line but he did it! They arrived on May 18, 2007.
Finally my precious boys were here...All 8 and 7 pounds of healthy babies.
Mine and Dan's to love, cherish and protect.
For the next 72 hours I will be drowned in pure bliss. Feeling so incredibly high and content I felt like I was walking on Cloud 9.I will always cherish my 72 hour bliss in which I felt confident and sure of myself as a mother...At least I got 72 hours under my belt...
E
Friday, September 18, 2009
Life with Twins-part 1
"There's 2 in there!" exclaimed D as I am lying on the Ultrasound table slathered in jelly. "You don't know what you are talking about! Let the woman do her job" I screamed out! Then the "woman who was doing her job" aka the ultrasound tech reaches over, takes my head and says: "He's right sweetie..there's 2 in there!"
Shock, Joy, excitement, fear, anxiety fill my head all at once. True Happiness fills my heart. Again.
Rewind to 2 months before to a miscariage that left D and I paralysed with sadness leaving us both feeling lost and incomplete and words can't even express what we are both feeling in the office at this very moment.
Our first pregnancy would only go on for 6 weeks but it would have been out first baby and he/she was conceived in Australia. I already had names picked: Sydney for a girl and Joey for a boy.
I remember feeling so light and incredibly just happy.
The one night something went wrong and our first miracle ended the next day.
I remember going home after the clinic and waking up crying and asking Dan "was it a dream". He would shake his head no, gently move closer to me and keep me close to him. This happened for about 3 days until I was able to get out of bed and slowly accept that this was not meant to be...
A miscariage like any other difficult experience has stages in which we grieve. Denial, anger, bargainning, depression and finally acceptance. Here's a little glimpse of what the next couple of months looked like in our house...
"No, No, No, this can't be happening!...I am NEVER having children again...Screw you God...Why? Why? This is all my fault...Everything happens for a reason...Miscariages are very common and the baby wasn't viable..."
When we both got to that point, we put togethor a special box which includes a poem written by Dan and a letter written by me. There is also a baby koala pendant that I could never wear again.
Turns out miscariages are very common indeed. Many of my friends, collegues and acquaintances have all experienced one. Here's the tricky part: NOBODY talks about it!
Wouldn't it be logical to be told it might happen and for it be written in all these books we flood ourselves with as soon as the stick shows a + sign?
Maybe that would make us more nervous or anxious...I don't know. What I do know is that I would NOT have felt so guilty for maybe doing something "wrong" or like I was destined to never have children.
A miscariage is like losing a loved one on another level. Never meeting and never being able to meet this special soul only leaves you feeling betrayed and so incredibly alone.
It is also the end of innocence as far as pregancy is concerned. Will it happen again? What if it happens again? How will I know if everything is ok? Why would I have a healthy pregnacy when so many pregnancies go wrong? Why would I be safe from pain?
In hindsight this is the beginning of my postpartum OCD. These fears will creep up slowly in my mind only to sufficate me out of breath over and over again once the boys are here.
Now Back to the famous ultrasound...
We both leave excited, Nervous and unsure of what the future holds but one thing is sure: We are going to be parents...to 2 boys...at the same time.
And really what else matters?
I guess innocence has a way of coming back after all.
E
Shock, Joy, excitement, fear, anxiety fill my head all at once. True Happiness fills my heart. Again.
Rewind to 2 months before to a miscariage that left D and I paralysed with sadness leaving us both feeling lost and incomplete and words can't even express what we are both feeling in the office at this very moment.
Our first pregnancy would only go on for 6 weeks but it would have been out first baby and he/she was conceived in Australia. I already had names picked: Sydney for a girl and Joey for a boy.
I remember feeling so light and incredibly just happy.
The one night something went wrong and our first miracle ended the next day.
I remember going home after the clinic and waking up crying and asking Dan "was it a dream". He would shake his head no, gently move closer to me and keep me close to him. This happened for about 3 days until I was able to get out of bed and slowly accept that this was not meant to be...
A miscariage like any other difficult experience has stages in which we grieve. Denial, anger, bargainning, depression and finally acceptance. Here's a little glimpse of what the next couple of months looked like in our house...
"No, No, No, this can't be happening!...I am NEVER having children again...Screw you God...Why? Why? This is all my fault...Everything happens for a reason...Miscariages are very common and the baby wasn't viable..."
When we both got to that point, we put togethor a special box which includes a poem written by Dan and a letter written by me. There is also a baby koala pendant that I could never wear again.
Turns out miscariages are very common indeed. Many of my friends, collegues and acquaintances have all experienced one. Here's the tricky part: NOBODY talks about it!
Wouldn't it be logical to be told it might happen and for it be written in all these books we flood ourselves with as soon as the stick shows a + sign?
Maybe that would make us more nervous or anxious...I don't know. What I do know is that I would NOT have felt so guilty for maybe doing something "wrong" or like I was destined to never have children.
A miscariage is like losing a loved one on another level. Never meeting and never being able to meet this special soul only leaves you feeling betrayed and so incredibly alone.
It is also the end of innocence as far as pregancy is concerned. Will it happen again? What if it happens again? How will I know if everything is ok? Why would I have a healthy pregnacy when so many pregnancies go wrong? Why would I be safe from pain?
In hindsight this is the beginning of my postpartum OCD. These fears will creep up slowly in my mind only to sufficate me out of breath over and over again once the boys are here.
Now Back to the famous ultrasound...
We both leave excited, Nervous and unsure of what the future holds but one thing is sure: We are going to be parents...to 2 boys...at the same time.
And really what else matters?
I guess innocence has a way of coming back after all.
E
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Selfish vs Selfless...I am Mom
It seems the boys did not share my enthusiasm this morning as I dropped them off at daycare...As I was leaving, Twin A began crying hysterically while Twin B clutched my leg as I was opening the door. Suddently it hit me: The boys are devastated and here I am secretly fantasizing about drinking a hot cup of coffee, completing my school work, taking a shower and actually blow drying my hair and brushing it!!!
First the guilt ("I am a horrible mom for wanting to be alone), then anxiety (maybe the daycare woman is actually a mean witch that feeds them liver) and finally the reality check (They will be fine, they are toddlers and you will pick them up in 6 hours).
I am now able after 2 years to allow myself a reality check. Months ago I wasn't able to allow myself to even get there.
I would have fed into my guilt and my anxiety to a point where I would have either stayed at the daycare, called every couple of hours, picked them up early and told D that the boys could not go there as clearly this was not THE place.
Honnestly I am not sure when the "click" finally happened. It started slowly by not needing to play and animate the boys all day long, then it continued with not feeling like Mommy Dearest when I would lose patience and scream once in a while to being able to actually work around the house, check my e-mails or my Facebook and do a little homework while the boys enjoy some Sesame Street.
So what it is about our generation wanting to be so freakin perfect at mothering all the time?
My mom recently told me "I don't know why but your generation seems to think having kids is so easy! You can't have it all!"
Well thanks Mom I agree. However this generation was told we COULD have it all!
Get a degree, have a career, get married, have kids, own a house, own a timeshare, own 2 or even 3 cars to accomodate everyone's needs, Look good before, during and after pregnancy, breastfeed or not, go back to work or stay at home, so many choices and yet so many of us feel so...TRAPPED.
See we feel trapped because while we continue our carreers, raise our kids and stay happily married we forget OURSELVES.
On one hand we are told a mother is never selfish and always puts her family first and on the other hand we are told we need to balance it all...
So after 2 years of feeling trapped in my role as a perfect mother who always puts herself last I am trying to balance it out.
I know I will never be a selfish mom as I never think twice about putting the boys needs first.
However I don't want to be that selfless mom who becomes burned out, angry and resentfull. The boys love their mother and so should I.
P.S. The hot cup of coffee was amazing, the shower was nice and warm and my hair looked fabulous!
E
First the guilt ("I am a horrible mom for wanting to be alone), then anxiety (maybe the daycare woman is actually a mean witch that feeds them liver) and finally the reality check (They will be fine, they are toddlers and you will pick them up in 6 hours).
I am now able after 2 years to allow myself a reality check. Months ago I wasn't able to allow myself to even get there.
I would have fed into my guilt and my anxiety to a point where I would have either stayed at the daycare, called every couple of hours, picked them up early and told D that the boys could not go there as clearly this was not THE place.
Honnestly I am not sure when the "click" finally happened. It started slowly by not needing to play and animate the boys all day long, then it continued with not feeling like Mommy Dearest when I would lose patience and scream once in a while to being able to actually work around the house, check my e-mails or my Facebook and do a little homework while the boys enjoy some Sesame Street.
So what it is about our generation wanting to be so freakin perfect at mothering all the time?
My mom recently told me "I don't know why but your generation seems to think having kids is so easy! You can't have it all!"
Well thanks Mom I agree. However this generation was told we COULD have it all!
Get a degree, have a career, get married, have kids, own a house, own a timeshare, own 2 or even 3 cars to accomodate everyone's needs, Look good before, during and after pregnancy, breastfeed or not, go back to work or stay at home, so many choices and yet so many of us feel so...TRAPPED.
See we feel trapped because while we continue our carreers, raise our kids and stay happily married we forget OURSELVES.
On one hand we are told a mother is never selfish and always puts her family first and on the other hand we are told we need to balance it all...
So after 2 years of feeling trapped in my role as a perfect mother who always puts herself last I am trying to balance it out.
I know I will never be a selfish mom as I never think twice about putting the boys needs first.
However I don't want to be that selfless mom who becomes burned out, angry and resentfull. The boys love their mother and so should I.
P.S. The hot cup of coffee was amazing, the shower was nice and warm and my hair looked fabulous!
E
Monday, September 14, 2009
Monsters Inc.
It happens at the grocery store, the restaurant, in the car, in line waiting, at friends houses, at the park and at home...Chances are if you are a mom you have wanted to die at all these places...
Why?
Your cute little baby starts to scream, kick, howl, grunt, throw and my favorite...Cry like he is being tortured over and over again while you are just trying to get groceries or eat some wonderfull McDonald's (afterall you picked THIS place to please them..so much for a happy meal!!!)
The it hits you like a brick.
While everyone stares at your bundle of joy turned Oscar the Grouch yoor heart starts pounding like it is going to jump out of your chest, sweat starts to drip over your eyebrows and you are embrassed, ashamed and Angry.
Angry because no matter how much singing and clapping, handing favorite toys, letting Oscar play with your keys (praying he wont get e-coli from the germs or starting the car on you) NOTHING WORKS.
The truth is that ALL kids go through this. People pretend like their kids "never" did this or worse start giving you advice on how to handle the monster in the cart.
Like yesterday at Shaws.
Twin A was sitting in Grandma's cart and Twin B was sitting in mine. What started as a fun grocery trip with half a banana, a free cookie from the baker's counter and a stop at the lobster tank ended with WW3 at the cash register.
The twins did not want to give up on their cantaloupes ("ball"?!?) and so they let me, grandma, the cashier, the bagger, the store manager, the other clients and the Lobster guy all the way in the back KNOW how they felt.
First Twin A tried to trash the candy shelf conviently located RIGHT there, then tried to hit the poor bag guy (he is never having kids I am sure) and tried to bite me.
All the while Twin B threw Grandma's purse on the ground (which was open of course ) and looked like he should have been in the Mosh Pit of a Metallica concert (the OLD Metallica)...
This lasted about 3 minutes and felt like...FOREVER.
I came back so angry (screamed at the kids) and ashamed (for screaming like "that" mom") I thought this is not going away anytime soon...They are a little over 2 and they are twin boys...SO WHAT THE &%#@ am I going to do???
This is what I came up with
1. Pretend like these are not your kids. Just move them away from the candy shelf and the bag guy to limit the damage.
2. Take a deep breath. A reaaaallllly deep one. So deep that you feel lightheaded. You might get a buzz so dont repeat too often during the 3 minute period.
3. Close your eyes and think of happy thoughts (a chocolate martini, getting a pedicure, have a nanny for the next 18 years)
4. Lastly: Remember that everyone has gone through this! (Including the know it all with all the advise)
A mom once told me she told a store know it all "You think this is bad? You should have seen him yesterday!)
E
Why?
Your cute little baby starts to scream, kick, howl, grunt, throw and my favorite...Cry like he is being tortured over and over again while you are just trying to get groceries or eat some wonderfull McDonald's (afterall you picked THIS place to please them..so much for a happy meal!!!)
The it hits you like a brick.
While everyone stares at your bundle of joy turned Oscar the Grouch yoor heart starts pounding like it is going to jump out of your chest, sweat starts to drip over your eyebrows and you are embrassed, ashamed and Angry.
Angry because no matter how much singing and clapping, handing favorite toys, letting Oscar play with your keys (praying he wont get e-coli from the germs or starting the car on you) NOTHING WORKS.
The truth is that ALL kids go through this. People pretend like their kids "never" did this or worse start giving you advice on how to handle the monster in the cart.
Like yesterday at Shaws.
Twin A was sitting in Grandma's cart and Twin B was sitting in mine. What started as a fun grocery trip with half a banana, a free cookie from the baker's counter and a stop at the lobster tank ended with WW3 at the cash register.
The twins did not want to give up on their cantaloupes ("ball"?!?) and so they let me, grandma, the cashier, the bagger, the store manager, the other clients and the Lobster guy all the way in the back KNOW how they felt.
First Twin A tried to trash the candy shelf conviently located RIGHT there, then tried to hit the poor bag guy (he is never having kids I am sure) and tried to bite me.
All the while Twin B threw Grandma's purse on the ground (which was open of course ) and looked like he should have been in the Mosh Pit of a Metallica concert (the OLD Metallica)...
This lasted about 3 minutes and felt like...FOREVER.
I came back so angry (screamed at the kids) and ashamed (for screaming like "that" mom") I thought this is not going away anytime soon...They are a little over 2 and they are twin boys...SO WHAT THE &%#@ am I going to do???
This is what I came up with
1. Pretend like these are not your kids. Just move them away from the candy shelf and the bag guy to limit the damage.
2. Take a deep breath. A reaaaallllly deep one. So deep that you feel lightheaded. You might get a buzz so dont repeat too often during the 3 minute period.
3. Close your eyes and think of happy thoughts (a chocolate martini, getting a pedicure, have a nanny for the next 18 years)
4. Lastly: Remember that everyone has gone through this! (Including the know it all with all the advise)
A mom once told me she told a store know it all "You think this is bad? You should have seen him yesterday!)
E
Friday, September 11, 2009
"A friend is one who knows us, but loves us anyway."
Quote by Fr. Jerome Cummings
Before I continue I would like to ask that everyone who reads this post remember the victims of 9-11 and their families. It is inexplicable that these tragedies happen and by remembering we can make sure it never happens again.
The title is a Powerfull quote isn't it?
And so true.
Friendships are the most rewarding, enriching, enlightning and powerfull connections one can make.
There are also the most fragile.
Think about it; Through every transition, change and transformation we lose a little of our old self (sometimes for the good sometimes for the bad) and become a little of a new self.
I grew up with a a close group of friends. I moved away and stayed in touch with only 2. I reconnected with the old group when I started high school only to lose most of them when I was kicked out of this school and transfered to another. During this dark period I made dark friends...Only to make new friends when the dark times were gone.
Going back to college, entering the world of special education and getting married merged new friendships and old ones togethor.
Buying a house, getting pregant and having the twins made old friends feel like strangers and new friends feel like my everything.
This topic has been an important and difficult part of my life as a new mom, a wife and as a domestic engineer.
As a mom it made me miss my old freedom with my olf friends only to feel like a stranger when back in the loop.
As a wife it made me miss friday nights watching SATC with the old gang giving ourselves mani pedis only to make me yearn for date nights with other couples to connect on another level.
As a domestic engineer it made me feel like a cast away on Twin Island only to have isolation, anxiety and guilt by my side.
I would like to be one of those lucky people who have managed to keep their old friendships intact and safe from life's up and downs. Is it really luck? Or is it the determination to keep their friendships strong no matter what.
I am not that person.
However, I am very lucky to have a few good friends i my life that really know me...and love me anyway.
E
Before I continue I would like to ask that everyone who reads this post remember the victims of 9-11 and their families. It is inexplicable that these tragedies happen and by remembering we can make sure it never happens again.
The title is a Powerfull quote isn't it?
And so true.
Friendships are the most rewarding, enriching, enlightning and powerfull connections one can make.
There are also the most fragile.
Think about it; Through every transition, change and transformation we lose a little of our old self (sometimes for the good sometimes for the bad) and become a little of a new self.
I grew up with a a close group of friends. I moved away and stayed in touch with only 2. I reconnected with the old group when I started high school only to lose most of them when I was kicked out of this school and transfered to another. During this dark period I made dark friends...Only to make new friends when the dark times were gone.
Going back to college, entering the world of special education and getting married merged new friendships and old ones togethor.
Buying a house, getting pregant and having the twins made old friends feel like strangers and new friends feel like my everything.
This topic has been an important and difficult part of my life as a new mom, a wife and as a domestic engineer.
As a mom it made me miss my old freedom with my olf friends only to feel like a stranger when back in the loop.
As a wife it made me miss friday nights watching SATC with the old gang giving ourselves mani pedis only to make me yearn for date nights with other couples to connect on another level.
As a domestic engineer it made me feel like a cast away on Twin Island only to have isolation, anxiety and guilt by my side.
I would like to be one of those lucky people who have managed to keep their old friendships intact and safe from life's up and downs. Is it really luck? Or is it the determination to keep their friendships strong no matter what.
I am not that person.
However, I am very lucky to have a few good friends i my life that really know me...and love me anyway.
E
Reunited and it feels so good...
I had a huge A-Ha moment on Friday night...
As I was sitting at a coffee shop with 2 of my best-friends I came to the realization that the Old Elissa is coming back.
Laughing out loud, making crude jokes and most of all just enjoying the moment.
No anxiety over the babies, no nagging of the husband but best of all feeling genuinly....My old Self again.
Not sure if it was the isolation of the pregnancy, the hormones or the lack of self confidence as a new mom but I lost myself to a new role that terrified me.
The truth is I always envisioned myself as a mom one day. (Remember the visions...)
What I did not expect what the over anxiety of having no clue of what and how to do things and HAVING to make sound decisions, not wanting to do any of my old hobbies and no real interest for Me. Not Elissa the mommy, Elissa the wife, Elissa the domestic Engineer but the Real Me.
The woman who loved Bikram Yoga, going out for coffee at least once a week, going out to dinner and clubbing once in a while, the wine taster, the sushi lover, the scrapbooker, the mani-pedi-facial conaisseur and the Sex and the City Junkie.
I started to realize all this last year when the SATC movie came out and I didn't even feel like going to see it when it came out.
Me the person who has seen each show a thousand times if not more, the I am a Samantha t-shirt wearer, the box set owner...not interested.
Where did I go?
I have good news and bad news!
The Good news is that I am alsmost back, the bad news is that I am not sure to what I am coming back to!
During the past 2 years my entire circle of friends has changed; Some changes for the better but others have completly left me surprised and confused.
Some friendships slowly disolved due to the physical distance, others fell apart due to misunderstandings and some were just erased by time it seems.
I think surronding yourself with other new moms is a must when you become one yourself for the first time. It seems survival mode kicks in and we just want to connect to a person that understands our fears, soothes our anxieties and is there when you need to know the why's of just about everything that is going on not only to the baby, but to your body and your couple!
But where does the old YOU go?
Is she a distant memory to be missed over and over again? Did she fade away to never be seen again?
Or is she tucked away safely only to make a big comeback when she is ready?
It seems many womens old selves will fade away and become distant memories....
Some for a good reason and others trying desperatly to fit in their mother roles.
As for me I am not 100% sure if the old Elissa will be making a full comeback but this I know for sure:
The woman sitting at the coffee shop drinking a grande skinny caramel machiato no whip( and a piece of pumpkin cheesecake to go with it!!!) looked very familiar and the best part?
It felt AMAZING.
E
As I was sitting at a coffee shop with 2 of my best-friends I came to the realization that the Old Elissa is coming back.
Laughing out loud, making crude jokes and most of all just enjoying the moment.
No anxiety over the babies, no nagging of the husband but best of all feeling genuinly....My old Self again.
Not sure if it was the isolation of the pregnancy, the hormones or the lack of self confidence as a new mom but I lost myself to a new role that terrified me.
The truth is I always envisioned myself as a mom one day. (Remember the visions...)
What I did not expect what the over anxiety of having no clue of what and how to do things and HAVING to make sound decisions, not wanting to do any of my old hobbies and no real interest for Me. Not Elissa the mommy, Elissa the wife, Elissa the domestic Engineer but the Real Me.
The woman who loved Bikram Yoga, going out for coffee at least once a week, going out to dinner and clubbing once in a while, the wine taster, the sushi lover, the scrapbooker, the mani-pedi-facial conaisseur and the Sex and the City Junkie.
I started to realize all this last year when the SATC movie came out and I didn't even feel like going to see it when it came out.
Me the person who has seen each show a thousand times if not more, the I am a Samantha t-shirt wearer, the box set owner...not interested.
Where did I go?
I have good news and bad news!
The Good news is that I am alsmost back, the bad news is that I am not sure to what I am coming back to!
During the past 2 years my entire circle of friends has changed; Some changes for the better but others have completly left me surprised and confused.
Some friendships slowly disolved due to the physical distance, others fell apart due to misunderstandings and some were just erased by time it seems.
I think surronding yourself with other new moms is a must when you become one yourself for the first time. It seems survival mode kicks in and we just want to connect to a person that understands our fears, soothes our anxieties and is there when you need to know the why's of just about everything that is going on not only to the baby, but to your body and your couple!
But where does the old YOU go?
Is she a distant memory to be missed over and over again? Did she fade away to never be seen again?
Or is she tucked away safely only to make a big comeback when she is ready?
It seems many womens old selves will fade away and become distant memories....
Some for a good reason and others trying desperatly to fit in their mother roles.
As for me I am not 100% sure if the old Elissa will be making a full comeback but this I know for sure:
The woman sitting at the coffee shop drinking a grande skinny caramel machiato no whip( and a piece of pumpkin cheesecake to go with it!!!) looked very familiar and the best part?
It felt AMAZING.
E
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Top 10 Must haves for the Twins Arrival
1. Save half your salary NOW. Sound too difficult? Well it will be in the beginning but chances are you will probably be home for a little while and then you will have to live on just one salary ...Might as well get used to it!
2. Just put the money you save in a savings account. The point is not to invest or make you rich but have some money available when you REALLY need it once the babies are here!
3. Start looking up for a Twins Support group. A good place to check is http://www.nomotc.org/ You just type in your zip code and if there are clubs in your area they will pop up.
4. No clubs in your area? Ask your OBGYN if he knows anyone who has twins, ask people you work with, ask family members to help you find parents of multiples!!! In hindsight our lives would have been so much easier if we had people around us who UNDERSTOOD!
5. Start planning for their arrival NOW: Make some feeding and pooping checklists in advance so you dont have to make them on the fly with 2 screeching infants! E-mail friends and family and have them sign up for meal prep and delivery, chores they can help with and some overnights they can pick up so you and your partner can rest one night!
6. Pick a night for yourself and HONNOR IT. Sound silly to plan a night off before their arrival? It is NOT. If you dont do it, you will forget and then you will wake up when the twins are 16 months and realize you have not had a regular break...in 16 months!
7. Stack up on paper plates, plastic cutlery and paper cups. The first months are survival people! You wouldn't go camping with your finest china now would you? This is the same!
8. Don't expect the unexpected. You have no idea what you are about to embark and that is OK! I had no clue...How could I?
9. Planning on staying at home?Start making twin mommy friends. These are the mommies that will understand EVERTHING.Look up playgroups and activities in your area and GO! Taking a couple of hours off on a Thursday morning from work to check out the local playgroups is a MUST if you plan on going to this playgroup for the next year or so with the babies! Playgroups are the equivalent of happy hour minus the cocktails when you have kids: A place to unwind, chat and laugh with others who understand you!
10. Planning on going back to work? Look for daycares NOW. It is never too early!!! Call, visit, put your names on waiting lists..Quality childcare will be your top priority when you go back to work; You need it to be able to go back to work, feel secure while you are working and stay sane as a mom.
E
2. Just put the money you save in a savings account. The point is not to invest or make you rich but have some money available when you REALLY need it once the babies are here!
3. Start looking up for a Twins Support group. A good place to check is http://www.nomotc.org/ You just type in your zip code and if there are clubs in your area they will pop up.
4. No clubs in your area? Ask your OBGYN if he knows anyone who has twins, ask people you work with, ask family members to help you find parents of multiples!!! In hindsight our lives would have been so much easier if we had people around us who UNDERSTOOD!
5. Start planning for their arrival NOW: Make some feeding and pooping checklists in advance so you dont have to make them on the fly with 2 screeching infants! E-mail friends and family and have them sign up for meal prep and delivery, chores they can help with and some overnights they can pick up so you and your partner can rest one night!
6. Pick a night for yourself and HONNOR IT. Sound silly to plan a night off before their arrival? It is NOT. If you dont do it, you will forget and then you will wake up when the twins are 16 months and realize you have not had a regular break...in 16 months!
7. Stack up on paper plates, plastic cutlery and paper cups. The first months are survival people! You wouldn't go camping with your finest china now would you? This is the same!
8. Don't expect the unexpected. You have no idea what you are about to embark and that is OK! I had no clue...How could I?
9. Planning on staying at home?Start making twin mommy friends. These are the mommies that will understand EVERTHING.Look up playgroups and activities in your area and GO! Taking a couple of hours off on a Thursday morning from work to check out the local playgroups is a MUST if you plan on going to this playgroup for the next year or so with the babies! Playgroups are the equivalent of happy hour minus the cocktails when you have kids: A place to unwind, chat and laugh with others who understand you!
10. Planning on going back to work? Look for daycares NOW. It is never too early!!! Call, visit, put your names on waiting lists..Quality childcare will be your top priority when you go back to work; You need it to be able to go back to work, feel secure while you are working and stay sane as a mom.
E
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
The sound...of Silence...
IS ACTUALLY IN MY HOUSE!!!
Another couple of days have gone by without posting so let me give you an update...
Well We did it.
We found a place that we both like for the boys to go to one or two days a week. I am afraid that those fairytale like visions also apply to daycares...
We all want our children to go to a place where there are swing sets, climbing structures, bottomless sandboxes and Mary Poppins...At the door..Looking calm, collected, smilly, happy, enthousiasctic, creative,active, funny and perhaps most of all; Someone that will know EVERYTHING so she can soothe, calm, play with and teach our children like...Ourselves.
Turn out this rarely happens and when it does happen is usually happens to those people who were born with a horseshoe up their butt.
Take my Friend Annabelle.
Annabelle was raised by a great family and moved out of her house to move into her own custom made new house with her husband. She was able to finish all her schooling while living at home (no student loans) and was given 20% down for her down payment (Financially at ease). Annabelle married a great man who works in a very lucrative industry in which buisness travels are included (he can also bring the wife around the world with him..at no cost) and offers many oppurtunities for professional growth.
They live in a upper middle class family neighboorhood (which means a bike path, a park for the kids and friendly neighboors who walk their friendly dogs while pushing their friendly baby in their bugaboo) next to his family and and their friends are close by (date nights, days off, sleepovers are all part of their routine). In the country they live in maternity benefits and childcare subsidy are provided. This means that Annabelle was sent home from work at 16 weeks for preventative measures (she works in human relations) and was paid one year at 90% of her salary...two if she was planning on breastfeeding for 2 years. Annabelle once told me she was maming more money staying at home! No gas, no work lunches, no vending machines, no 3.00 coffees everyday!
One year passed and still no call from the perspective daycare. Father in law (of course retired) watches the little one at their house. Months later they get the call that there is space available for the litle guy to a grand total of 28 dollars a week (7$ daycare!) and little guy starts daycare in a dream Child care center with Mary Poppins's singing, clapping and reading to him. Oh the best part? It is a 5 minute walk from their home.
So do we hate Annabelle yet? No!
Do we envy her and wish that Fox show would pick us both families to wife swap for a week or two? YES!!!
Now let's meet Marie.
Marie was raised by loving parents who unfortunetly were children themselves and was exposed to verbal violence, alcoolism and financial strain. She left home at an early age but did very well for herself. She graduated from College living on her own (hello! Studetn Loans!) , met a wonderfull man and got married. She moved to his country and started their new life togethor. When they decided to buy a house they moved down South a litrtle further as the housing market was at it's peak and they did not have the 20% down payment up front (housing less expensive in this area).
Marie was working as a teacher and Jim works as a mechanic.
They decided to start a family a couple of years afterwards and they get pregant...with twins.
Marie lives in a country where there are no maternity benefits so she is expected to work until she give birth. Marie went to work throwing up in her car every morning and run down the entire day (strats experiencing insomnia around 18 weeks) until she is at 32 weeks pregnant.
She suffered from debilitaing anxiety as she dealt with agressive behaviors from clients and was expected to run after them when she can hardly walk for more than 5 minutes annmore.
The twins were born and are healthy and beautifull. Marie and Jim experienced the most difficult 2 weeks of their lives (they hope!) and did not sleep as they were alone with tiny infants who cry, poop weird looking substances and try to breastfeed and breasfeed until Mary's nipples are bloody.
Jim is then deployed to Irak for 60 days and family and friends from Marie's her native country come to help. They do help. They help with cleaning, doing the laundry, cooking meals and giving out advice. One after the other they come to the house and give their best tips and tried, tested and true advice on motherhood.
Marie feels lucky to have all this support but is starting to experience once again the debiliating anxiety she experienced during pregnancy. Alot of people coming in and out of the house means people know Jim is gone which means the babies might get kidnapped...These are all intrusive thoughts that start popping in her head all the time. It gets worst. What if she were to hurt the babies? How can she be trusted with these 2 precious babies when tragdies like Andrea Yates happen all the time?
And so Marie's Postpartum OCD began and left for good when the twins were 20 months old.
Nobody knew. Nobody could tell. Mary had a wonderfull therapist where she could safely confide her fears, anxieties and fears.
During this time period Marie went back to work; at first she worked 5 mornings while Jim worked the second shift and was burned out after 2 months.She went back to work full time for 2 weeks until her daycare closed on her, she then worked one day a week (Jim's day off) to working 2 days a week for 2 weeks when they could not no longer afford daycare as Jim lsot 1500 dollars a month going from active to non-active duty.
During this time their second care broke down, they decided to sell their house and Marie went back home for a couple of months as things were so tight shopping for food was a source of stress.
No family live close by (no date nights, days off or sleepovers!), it cost 1600 dollars a month for full time daycare (which is Marie's salary a month) they cannot afford a second car (Marie is isolated and lonely at home) and they live in a city where there are no parks, no public transportation and no bugaboos.
After 27 months of no regular breaks, no regular couple time and always struggling Mary breaks down one morning and can't go on like she is. This is not the first time she breaks down but this is the first time she scares the boys and...Herself.
Nobody can go on like this Alone.
What do these 2 stories have annything to do with today?
Everything.
You see we are Mary and Jim.
We do not have financial ease, no close support system and no access to outings and activities during the day.
I can no longer pretend that I can manage it all anymore. I need the boys to go somewhere one or two days a week so I can do my homework, clean the house, do the laundry and Stay sane.
I can no longer be with the boys 11 hours a day by myself. Actually I dont know anyone who can do this...I am the only twin mommy in our group who is at home full time with 2 hyper active boys who constantly need supervision, attention and kept entertained.
So we chose a daycare that suited our needs NOT based on Fairytale like visions.
We live in an area where Mary poppins would probably fly away very fast if she landed on some people's roofs. One place made us Run. One place made me cry.
The woman I chose to take care of my boys is not Mary Poppins but rather a down to earth, friendly, matter of fact and responsible woman. The boys are safe, cared for and attended to.
A spoon full of sugar? Maybe not.
One day of sanity? Hell yeah!
Who knows with regular breaks maybe I will have a spoon full of sugar :)
Have a SUPERCALAFRAGILISTIC day ;)
E
Another couple of days have gone by without posting so let me give you an update...
Well We did it.
We found a place that we both like for the boys to go to one or two days a week. I am afraid that those fairytale like visions also apply to daycares...
We all want our children to go to a place where there are swing sets, climbing structures, bottomless sandboxes and Mary Poppins...At the door..Looking calm, collected, smilly, happy, enthousiasctic, creative,active, funny and perhaps most of all; Someone that will know EVERYTHING so she can soothe, calm, play with and teach our children like...Ourselves.
Turn out this rarely happens and when it does happen is usually happens to those people who were born with a horseshoe up their butt.
Take my Friend Annabelle.
Annabelle was raised by a great family and moved out of her house to move into her own custom made new house with her husband. She was able to finish all her schooling while living at home (no student loans) and was given 20% down for her down payment (Financially at ease). Annabelle married a great man who works in a very lucrative industry in which buisness travels are included (he can also bring the wife around the world with him..at no cost) and offers many oppurtunities for professional growth.
They live in a upper middle class family neighboorhood (which means a bike path, a park for the kids and friendly neighboors who walk their friendly dogs while pushing their friendly baby in their bugaboo) next to his family and and their friends are close by (date nights, days off, sleepovers are all part of their routine). In the country they live in maternity benefits and childcare subsidy are provided. This means that Annabelle was sent home from work at 16 weeks for preventative measures (she works in human relations) and was paid one year at 90% of her salary...two if she was planning on breastfeeding for 2 years. Annabelle once told me she was maming more money staying at home! No gas, no work lunches, no vending machines, no 3.00 coffees everyday!
One year passed and still no call from the perspective daycare. Father in law (of course retired) watches the little one at their house. Months later they get the call that there is space available for the litle guy to a grand total of 28 dollars a week (7$ daycare!) and little guy starts daycare in a dream Child care center with Mary Poppins's singing, clapping and reading to him. Oh the best part? It is a 5 minute walk from their home.
So do we hate Annabelle yet? No!
Do we envy her and wish that Fox show would pick us both families to wife swap for a week or two? YES!!!
Now let's meet Marie.
Marie was raised by loving parents who unfortunetly were children themselves and was exposed to verbal violence, alcoolism and financial strain. She left home at an early age but did very well for herself. She graduated from College living on her own (hello! Studetn Loans!) , met a wonderfull man and got married. She moved to his country and started their new life togethor. When they decided to buy a house they moved down South a litrtle further as the housing market was at it's peak and they did not have the 20% down payment up front (housing less expensive in this area).
Marie was working as a teacher and Jim works as a mechanic.
They decided to start a family a couple of years afterwards and they get pregant...with twins.
Marie lives in a country where there are no maternity benefits so she is expected to work until she give birth. Marie went to work throwing up in her car every morning and run down the entire day (strats experiencing insomnia around 18 weeks) until she is at 32 weeks pregnant.
She suffered from debilitaing anxiety as she dealt with agressive behaviors from clients and was expected to run after them when she can hardly walk for more than 5 minutes annmore.
The twins were born and are healthy and beautifull. Marie and Jim experienced the most difficult 2 weeks of their lives (they hope!) and did not sleep as they were alone with tiny infants who cry, poop weird looking substances and try to breastfeed and breasfeed until Mary's nipples are bloody.
Jim is then deployed to Irak for 60 days and family and friends from Marie's her native country come to help. They do help. They help with cleaning, doing the laundry, cooking meals and giving out advice. One after the other they come to the house and give their best tips and tried, tested and true advice on motherhood.
Marie feels lucky to have all this support but is starting to experience once again the debiliating anxiety she experienced during pregnancy. Alot of people coming in and out of the house means people know Jim is gone which means the babies might get kidnapped...These are all intrusive thoughts that start popping in her head all the time. It gets worst. What if she were to hurt the babies? How can she be trusted with these 2 precious babies when tragdies like Andrea Yates happen all the time?
And so Marie's Postpartum OCD began and left for good when the twins were 20 months old.
Nobody knew. Nobody could tell. Mary had a wonderfull therapist where she could safely confide her fears, anxieties and fears.
During this time period Marie went back to work; at first she worked 5 mornings while Jim worked the second shift and was burned out after 2 months.She went back to work full time for 2 weeks until her daycare closed on her, she then worked one day a week (Jim's day off) to working 2 days a week for 2 weeks when they could not no longer afford daycare as Jim lsot 1500 dollars a month going from active to non-active duty.
During this time their second care broke down, they decided to sell their house and Marie went back home for a couple of months as things were so tight shopping for food was a source of stress.
No family live close by (no date nights, days off or sleepovers!), it cost 1600 dollars a month for full time daycare (which is Marie's salary a month) they cannot afford a second car (Marie is isolated and lonely at home) and they live in a city where there are no parks, no public transportation and no bugaboos.
After 27 months of no regular breaks, no regular couple time and always struggling Mary breaks down one morning and can't go on like she is. This is not the first time she breaks down but this is the first time she scares the boys and...Herself.
Nobody can go on like this Alone.
What do these 2 stories have annything to do with today?
Everything.
You see we are Mary and Jim.
We do not have financial ease, no close support system and no access to outings and activities during the day.
I can no longer pretend that I can manage it all anymore. I need the boys to go somewhere one or two days a week so I can do my homework, clean the house, do the laundry and Stay sane.
I can no longer be with the boys 11 hours a day by myself. Actually I dont know anyone who can do this...I am the only twin mommy in our group who is at home full time with 2 hyper active boys who constantly need supervision, attention and kept entertained.
So we chose a daycare that suited our needs NOT based on Fairytale like visions.
We live in an area where Mary poppins would probably fly away very fast if she landed on some people's roofs. One place made us Run. One place made me cry.
The woman I chose to take care of my boys is not Mary Poppins but rather a down to earth, friendly, matter of fact and responsible woman. The boys are safe, cared for and attended to.
A spoon full of sugar? Maybe not.
One day of sanity? Hell yeah!
Who knows with regular breaks maybe I will have a spoon full of sugar :)
Have a SUPERCALAFRAGILISTIC day ;)
E
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