It seems the boys did not share my enthusiasm this morning as I dropped them off at daycare...As I was leaving, Twin A began crying hysterically while Twin B clutched my leg as I was opening the door. Suddently it hit me: The boys are devastated and here I am secretly fantasizing about drinking a hot cup of coffee, completing my school work, taking a shower and actually blow drying my hair and brushing it!!!
First the guilt ("I am a horrible mom for wanting to be alone), then anxiety (maybe the daycare woman is actually a mean witch that feeds them liver) and finally the reality check (They will be fine, they are toddlers and you will pick them up in 6 hours).
I am now able after 2 years to allow myself a reality check. Months ago I wasn't able to allow myself to even get there.
I would have fed into my guilt and my anxiety to a point where I would have either stayed at the daycare, called every couple of hours, picked them up early and told D that the boys could not go there as clearly this was not THE place.
Honnestly I am not sure when the "click" finally happened. It started slowly by not needing to play and animate the boys all day long, then it continued with not feeling like Mommy Dearest when I would lose patience and scream once in a while to being able to actually work around the house, check my e-mails or my Facebook and do a little homework while the boys enjoy some Sesame Street.
So what it is about our generation wanting to be so freakin perfect at mothering all the time?
My mom recently told me "I don't know why but your generation seems to think having kids is so easy! You can't have it all!"
Well thanks Mom I agree. However this generation was told we COULD have it all!
Get a degree, have a career, get married, have kids, own a house, own a timeshare, own 2 or even 3 cars to accomodate everyone's needs, Look good before, during and after pregnancy, breastfeed or not, go back to work or stay at home, so many choices and yet so many of us feel so...TRAPPED.
See we feel trapped because while we continue our carreers, raise our kids and stay happily married we forget OURSELVES.
On one hand we are told a mother is never selfish and always puts her family first and on the other hand we are told we need to balance it all...
So after 2 years of feeling trapped in my role as a perfect mother who always puts herself last I am trying to balance it out.
I know I will never be a selfish mom as I never think twice about putting the boys needs first.
However I don't want to be that selfless mom who becomes burned out, angry and resentfull. The boys love their mother and so should I.
P.S. The hot cup of coffee was amazing, the shower was nice and warm and my hair looked fabulous!