Becoming a mother is the most humbling experience one will ever go through. Half the time you have no idea what you are doing and the other half you question what you were doing to begin with!
For me, anothe source of guilt and anxiety is how my boys will percive me as they grow up...
During the boys's first year; I was the milk provider at first, the formula maker later,the burper, the diaper changer, the comforter,the fart extractor, the "OMG is she really making those faces again while singing off key" performer...
Then I became the puree expert (I could whip a 5 course meal in the blender in 5 secs!), the teeth checker and pain reliever, the coach (walk!walk!walk! YAY!!!), the reinforcer (Good job pointing to the duck! Yay!), the disiplinarian (no hitting! Give a hig five!), the punisher (I SAID NO HITTING!!! TIME-OUT!), the Sucker ("to be fair he is hitting cause he didnt sleep last night..again...)and the teacher (A,B,C,D,E,f,G,....1,2,3,...).
Of course all these were executed while being the nurturer and the caregiver.
Now that they are getting older, I find myself faced with the most difficult role yet...The Role Model.
They look at me all day while I am eating, working on homework, playing and exchanging social interactions with other adults...YEP...I am screwed.
I eat fast at the dinner table, I talk loud, express my opinions in a not so plished manner at times and either piss people off or worst hurt their feelings, I yell at their father and boss him around and the worst? I fight with my mom...their beloved grandmother who they adore.
Why is it that we feel the need to be the perfect role model to our kids all the time? And when we dont (which is 75% of the time) we punish ourselves with guilt?
Aren't we also tryring to teach our kids that everyone is unique, allowed to make mistakes and try again?
Shouldn't we be happy with ourselves that we are able to teach reali life lessons to our kids when we mess up?
"Mommy shouldnt have yelled like that and should have used her words", "Mommy wasnt being very nice to Daddy this morning...again...what could she have done instead?" "Mommy is entitled to her opinions but she shouldnt dicdate others...she can agree to disagree..."
I think as mothers we constantly maginify our mistakes and short comings and fear the kids will somehow pick up on these deficiencies and be damaged by them.
I know I am not the perfect role model for the boys. I know I make mistakes everyday. But isnt that the perfect role model afterall? Someone who stumbles and sometimes falls on her face but..gets back up ready to make it better.
My next role?
The forgiver...to myself when I am not The Perfect Role Model...