I had a huge A-Ha moment on Friday night...
As I was sitting at a coffee shop with 2 of my best-friends I came to the realization that the Old Elissa is coming back.
Laughing out loud, making crude jokes and most of all just enjoying the moment.
No anxiety over the babies, no nagging of the husband but best of all feeling genuinly....My old Self again.
Not sure if it was the isolation of the pregnancy, the hormones or the lack of self confidence as a new mom but I lost myself to a new role that terrified me.
The truth is I always envisioned myself as a mom one day. (Remember the visions...)
What I did not expect what the over anxiety of having no clue of what and how to do things and HAVING to make sound decisions, not wanting to do any of my old hobbies and no real interest for Me. Not Elissa the mommy, Elissa the wife, Elissa the domestic Engineer but the Real Me.
The woman who loved Bikram Yoga, going out for coffee at least once a week, going out to dinner and clubbing once in a while, the wine taster, the sushi lover, the scrapbooker, the mani-pedi-facial conaisseur and the Sex and the City Junkie.
I started to realize all this last year when the SATC movie came out and I didn't even feel like going to see it when it came out.
Me the person who has seen each show a thousand times if not more, the I am a Samantha t-shirt wearer, the box set owner...not interested.
Where did I go?
I have good news and bad news!
The Good news is that I am alsmost back, the bad news is that I am not sure to what I am coming back to!
During the past 2 years my entire circle of friends has changed; Some changes for the better but others have completly left me surprised and confused.
Some friendships slowly disolved due to the physical distance, others fell apart due to misunderstandings and some were just erased by time it seems.
I think surronding yourself with other new moms is a must when you become one yourself for the first time. It seems survival mode kicks in and we just want to connect to a person that understands our fears, soothes our anxieties and is there when you need to know the why's of just about everything that is going on not only to the baby, but to your body and your couple!
But where does the old YOU go?
Is she a distant memory to be missed over and over again? Did she fade away to never be seen again?
Or is she tucked away safely only to make a big comeback when she is ready?
It seems many womens old selves will fade away and become distant memories....
Some for a good reason and others trying desperatly to fit in their mother roles.
As for me I am not 100% sure if the old Elissa will be making a full comeback but this I know for sure:
The woman sitting at the coffee shop drinking a grande skinny caramel machiato no whip( and a piece of pumpkin cheesecake to go with it!!!) looked very familiar and the best part?
It felt AMAZING.